2015 May 5 - End of the Session

This is the last of 5 blogs that deal with the basic framework for how to set up a successful sex session. The red thread in all these blogs is “timing”. In this blog I write about how to finish a session, with focus on the importance of helping the client to understand and define the experience, and feel good about the date.

Both the start and the end of the date are important in terms of reassuring the client that he is accepted and liked by you. In the end of the session there is also sometimes a need to guide the client back from the “sex-mode” to the everyday state of mind. You need to make sure that you leave the client with a good feeling inside of him.

With more experienced clients, however, this is mostly not a big deal, because they have often figured all this out earlier on in their lives, particularly if they are used with professional sex.
But less experienced clients might feel a bit lost after the sex, and need to figure out how to integrate this experience of professional sex with their general understanding of themselves and of the world.

Helping the client to define the situation

In the case with less experienced clients, they might sometimes after the sex feel guilty about their sexuality, once the sexual desire is sated.
They might start to get worried about what you, the sexworker, really think about them as persons, and worry that you maybe might not like them. They might simply just feel exposed or shameful about the sexual lust they earlier felt and acted out.

Some might even feel bad conscience about having paid for sexual services. Something they might not have thought of while sexually aroused and in the “sex mode”, but that kind of catches up with them when the sexual desire is over.
It is a bit like the classical old conflict between the “bodily reality of pleasure” and the “mental reality of morality”.

It is sometimes like people keep their sexuality like some kind of isolated and exotic phenomena, like some kind of separate reality. Once they are in that separate sexual reality, or the “sex mode”, they allow themselves to enjoy it.
But when they return to the everyday state of mind, they are often guilty and embarrassed about their sexuality, and don’t know how to be able to integrate the sex they just had with the rest of their identity.
I think this to some extent also is valid for how many people feel about sex and sexuality in their normal lives.

In this situation it is important not to abandon the client with this kind of confusion. You have to show him that professional middle ground, for how to integrate the sexual experience from the session with the life outside of the session.
The best way to lessen any potential shame and angst that the client has, is by showing him friendly acceptance. If the sexworker can be happy and harmonious about the sex she just had with him, and show that she likes the client as a person, it is also easier for the client to feel good about the sex and good about himself.
The method I usually use here, is to combine physical touch and small-talk.

The method of combining touch and talk

Physical touch in combination of everyday-ish small talk, is a good way to go, to make the client feel good after the sex. I have found that this particular combination, of touch and talk, seem to work like a good way to build a bridge in the potential conflict between “the bodily reality of pleasure” and the “mental reality of morality”. Or between the “sex mode” and the normal state of mind.

Because the physical touch is still more part of that “bodily reality of pleasure”, which was what the mind was preoccupied with when in “sex mode” during the sex.
(Because in normal social situations, people keep their sphere of personal distance, and do not lay close or touch each other. So even if the physical touch during the afterplay is not sexual in nature, it is still more closely related to the “sexual reality” than to the everyday life).
And the everyday-ish small-talk is part of the “mental reality of morality”, or the normal state of mind, with abstract cognitive content and tiny associative connotations out to the everyday happenings in the world.

So, to combine silent physical touch and everyday-ish small talk, works as a good method to balance and harmonize the “sex mode” from the session with the normal state of mind in the everyday life outside of the session. Kind of like blending them, or to build a bridge between these realities, and put positive emotion into it all.

Many men also often feel it like they have been pushed out from the womb again, to be all existentially alone in the world, once the sex is over and it is time for the escort to leave. I have found that men often are more emotionally vulnerable after sex, in a way that women seldom experience.
(Maybe because women know they can get pregnant and re-live a true symbiosis, but men are forever alone after birth, sex being the closest they can get to experience symbiosis with another being.)

That is yet a reason to why it is important never to rush away from a client. One should not let the actual sex go into unpaid overtime (unless one knows that the client is close to coming from a round of sex that mainly took place within paid time). But it is very important to just give at least a few minutes to afterplay and small-talk, even if the time actually is out.

If the client don’t seem to understand that you go into unpaid over-time in order try to round-off the date in a nice and sensitive manner, but just tries to have more sex because you still are there, it can be wise to get dressed and move to the door.
But then stay some extra minutes there instead, dressed and close to the door, and small-talk with him, and kiss and hug him a little while talking.

Some clients can be scared about leaving the “sex mode”, because they experience shame and angst when they return to their own normal state of mind.
Thus they sometimes try to have non-stop sex all the time, even if they don’t really have an erection or can get more orgasms. Simply because they don’t know how to communicate with the sexworker, if they leave the “sex mode”.

But if the sexworker just abandons the client at that point, he can sometimes get angst and feel bad and shaken-up once he is alone with himself.
Therefore it is better to try to help him to mentally get back to the everyday state of mind, and communicate a positive feedback, where you express your own acceptance of the situation and show the client personal liking, before you leave him.

Because people shape their own conceptions about themselves, about their actions and about the situation they are in, out from what they think that other people seem to think about these matters.
So if the sexworker can communicate a positive understanding of it all – the client can internalize this and make it to be his own comprehension.

The difference between private and professional sex

One thing that can be good to think about, is that causal sex in normal life, like having one-night stands, is also not entirely uncomplicated for most people. They usually have to get drunk to dare to do it, and they don’t always feel completely at ease with the partner afterwards.
It is like sex is a very private thing, which is difficult to put together with social relations, unless it takes place within an officially legitimate and durable relationship.

So the client needs to understand, that the sexual emotions that were created in the session actually are genuine in the session, and that there was nothing wrong or shameful with any of it, but that it does not carry relevance or consequences in the life outside of the session.

Kind of like a good nurse or teacher actually does feel genuine empathy for her patients or students, because she focus on caring, and goes emotionally into her professional role. But she is not going to bring that “set of emotions and concerns” home to her private life.
The same thing is probably valid for other persons in creative professions, who at work are 100% interested in what they do, in solving tasks and problems and perform well, but outside of work they shift focus to other things in life.

In the case with professional sex, it is not only the sexworker who needs to be able to do this kind of demarcation of “situationally conditioned emotional relevance”, but also the client needs to be able to structure his social reality and his emotions in this way.
Particularly because sex otherwise is something that is completely reserved to the private sphere in life, plus emotionally taboo, this can be regarded as strange and difficult for some people.

What makes professional sex special is that it is so aware and premeditated. And does not carry any social ties or consequences out into the normal everyday life.
For plenty of men it can actually be a huge relief to understand that this “kind of sex” exists at all, once they understand it fully.

Plenty of men also go around with a constant bad conscience for desiring women, because they early on in life learn that they not are “the type of guy” that women are interested in.
They try not to look at women’s bodies in a noticeable manner, and they fear that they are disgusting for being distracted by feelings of attraction when they interact with women in everyday life.
Most often, if they find a partner, the woman want them mostly for the relation, and not so much for the sex. They seldom get as much sex as they would like to have when they are in relations to women, so they learn to try to not be too demanding.

To then suddenly meet a sexworker, and be accepted, and feel that their sexuality is ok, and that they can be themselves, talk openly about sex, and so on, well it is like a great relief for them. It is a burden falling off their shoulders.
As sexworker, one can often feel a bit of the energy from that that rush of emotional relief from the client. It really means a lot to them to be able to be that relaxed about sex.


2015 April 28 - Timing of Sex

This is the fourth of 5 blogs that deal with the basic framework for how to set up a successful sex session. The red thread in all these blogs is “timing”. In this blog I write about the timing of the actual sex, different sexual types among clients, and some useful tips and tricks to think about.

I plan to later on (some time) write separate blogs about actual sex techniques. Here I will just write about the more general things about a framework for how to time the sex. Like a skeleton of sorts, that one then later on can fill out with more specific technical details regarding the various sex acts.

Asking the client what he wants

If one dates experienced clients, they can usually give a good description about what their ideal timing is, what they want of sexual acts and how many times they can come.
But it is not always easy to get a clear answer in advance form a more inexperienced client, about what he wants and what he can manage. (And what the client wants and what he really can manage might also be two very different things.)

Either they don’t really know, because they are not that experienced with having sex during this kind of “aware” and premeditated professional circumstances. Or they might be embarrassed of coming early, or embarrassed of having difficulty to come, of not being able to come more than once, and so on. All this can be things that they don’t always want to speak openly about.

I have over time figured out that it often is better to first ask about what kind of timing the client wants when meeting up with him, in the beginning of the session. Rather than asking him early on over email or phone during the booking procedure.
(Though, regarding outfits to bring and change into, or if he wants analsex or similar things, it is of course necessary to know in advance before the date.)

If one asks the client how much sex he wants and how many times he can come, before the date is due, he might overestimate his own energy and stamina. And then he risk locking his mind to that first answer he gave, even if he should understand that he might not have that much energy when the actual date is due.
(If he has eaten too little during the day, slept to little the night before, is jet-lagged from travels, or similar things.)
And if he then comes too early, and cannot come more times, well, then he does not get the maximum out from the date, compared to if you had used a better timing. But also in the beginning of the date, the client might gravely miscalculate his sexual ability.
So one has to use a bit of intuition here, and be ready to re-evaluate the situation and improvise as the session proceeds.

But it is always good to actually ask how many times they want to come and what timing they prefer, because it shows that you as a sexworker are service minded and care about giving a good experience. But as said, it is better to ask more specifically in start of the date, than asking it too early before the date is due.

Timing of rounds of sex

It is not good if the client comes too soon into the date, because then he might not enjoy the rest of the time so much (unless he can come more than once). But it is also not good if one drags out the sex too late into the session, since it really is not good to be in a stress about the time soon being about to end.
Also, even if building up anticipation during the foreplay is important, one must not tip it over the threshold into were it simply just becomes frustration, or deprives the client of time when he could have enjoyed actual sex (if he has a good stamina).
Just like with a dinner menu in a restaurant, the courses must come in their due time!

But then there are of course individual differences, depending on the unique client’s personal timing, preferences and sexual ability. And of course, the various length of time for the various types of sessions also put up different conditions for what you can do.
So, what I describe here is just like a sketchy kind of manus, which you never can apply exactly on a single date, but just use as an approximate guideline for how to go about it. In reality you always have to adjust it to the specific situation.

Within a 1 hour date, you can usually place the first round of sex to occur after about 10 minutes of introduction and foreplay. Then keep going with the first round of sex for about 15 minutes. Then take a break for 10 minutes (now you are about 25-35 minutes into the session).
Then try for a second round of sex like 35-40 minutes into the date (the second round of sex also to last for 15 minutes), which hopefully leaves you 5 minutes to cuddle afterwards. And then maybe give 5-10 minutes overtime with getting dressed and saying goodbye.

If the client only wants to come once, it can be better to drag out the foreplay more, and place the sex to occur after 15-20 minutes into the date, to last for 20 minutes. Likely getting over to massage, afterplay and goodbye during the last 20 minutes of the hour.

A 2 hour date definitely gives more time to everything, to have decent breaks between 2-3 rounds of sex, talk, give good massage, and make sure that also the second or third round of sex get a good chance of being successful.

A good thing for dinner dates, is to suggest the client to have sex both before and after the dinner. This, due to that a heavier dinner with alcohol to it might take down the potency and stamina – also with guys that usually works very well in bed.
Already 2 glasses of wine can make a man much less potent. Particularly if he is nervous, is out traveling with not eating what he is used to, or maybe is out of normal routines and have not slept that well the night before.

It might seem more romantic and tantalizing to first have dinner, flirt, get to know each other and so on, before getting in bed. But if the sex later on, after the evening out, would not be all successful, the client is less likely to be all happy and satisfied about the date. And less likely to return to you, than if you made sure that he also got some good sex there in the start, to remember after the date.

Also, for nervous and inexperienced guys, that might want to start with dinner just in order to feel more comfortable with having sex, it might still be that the after-reaction of having had a lot of adrenaline in the body takes down their ability to sexually function.
Because when the body breaks down adrenaline, there comes hormones like cortisol, that might just block the ability to get an erection as much (if not worse) than the actual adrenaline the guy earlier on had in the body. (I read a good article about it some years ago, which I cannot find now, but you can read a little about it here http://breakingmuscle.com/health-medicine/how-an-increase-in-cortisol-can-affect-your-libido .)

Plus that the poor nervous guy might get more tired the later the evening goes, and then, well a good meal after having been winded up on adrenaline earlier on that day, will rather make him more dazed rather than in top-trim for having sex. So, the safest thing then, is to actually start having sex as early on as possible.
Also, even if that first sex would not be all successful, well, at least some of the nervousness will go down from just having tried all naked in bed, so the dinner in the middle will be more relaxed. And then you still have a chance for finishing off the evening with one more hour of sex there in the end of the date.

Rounds and breaks

A very useful “trick of the trade” for clients that want to come several times, is to give the client a good back-massage with oil between the rounds of sex. Most men get a better erection, and feel more sensation in the penis, if they get a 10-20 minutes rest between the orgasm and starting to have sex again.

But a lot of men underestimate the fact that they need a break to rewind between ejaculation and having sex again. Some guys want to start having sex already 2-5 minutes after their orgasm.
A few can actually manage to successfully have sex again that immediately after having come, but the majority that try this will experience a numb penis (even if it is stiff) and a difficulty to be able to reach orgasm again.

It is kind of like with computers, if the computer is suffering hang-ups with slow responding programs, it is better to just shut it off and reboot. The same goes with men, they function better if they rest a while and then regain full sensitivity, rather than keep on going while feeling numb in the penis. Although, unlike computers that can reboot instantly, most men need minimum 10 minutes to rest.

But as said, a lot of men don’t understand this, and are just too sexually aroused up in their heads, to understand that their body is not keeping up with them, and that they themselves would get more physical pleasure out from the second round of sex, if they just rested at least 10 minutes after the orgasm.
I think it is because some of them have taken viagra or similar pills before seeing the escort, but they don’t understand that viagra only affects the corpora cavernosa that makes the penis hard by trapping blood in there. Viagra does not do anything for the sensory ability in the nerve cells, nor for the ability to orgasm.

But if you make a thing out of giving him a real massage as an interlude between the rounds of sex, he will be better enable to relax. Particularly if he is placed on his stomach and cannot see the escort. That is why it is good to give him a real back massage, and put some effort into it, and not just perform some silly little sensual smearing of oil on his chest.

The more physical friction the penis needs before orgasm, the fewer amounts of times the client can usually come, or the longer periods of breaks he needs in order to be able to function at full capacity again. If he comes rather quickly the second time, there is usually a good chance he also might be able to come also a third or fourth time.
The more friction the penis takes without coming, the number it gets, and the harder it is for the client to come several times. It is somehow like the sensory ability in the penis is an individually measured out resource, if you go over a certain level of friction, the penis gets “used up” and numb rather than stimulated.

So for getting clients to be able to come multiple times, it is important to not over-stimulate the penis beyond it’s level of sensitivity. Particularly not to over-stimulate him too early under the session. So, one has to try to figure out how much “juice” the guy has got, and then figure out how best to portion his ability out over the full course of the session.

Variation, satiation and culmination

For the clients that want (and can) come several times, it can be good to do the first round a bit softer, slower and more innocent. And then increase the level of “porn-like behavior” for the following rounds of sex.
Partly, because you then also have established more of a personal connection during the first round of sex. So you don’t appear too fake or un-personal, with start using sex toys, suggesting to have wilder sex outside of bed or similar.
And partly, if his penis has not suffered too much hard friction during the first round of sex, the client most likely have more sensitivity left in the penis, and a better chance at actually manage a second (or even third) orgasm.

But the main purpose is that it gives a different feeling to the sex, it makes the rounds of sex to be distinctly different as “types of sex”. And so the rounds get less monotonous, but instead more psychologically interesting and arousing for the client. It maximizes the experience of the date as a wholeness.
This also increases his ability to get several orgasms because the distinct differences of speed during sex, and the introduction of new elements in the later rounds of sex, work as psychological triggers for the client.

If you have a longer session and too early, during the first round of sex, introduce sex toys, analsex, put on fetish outfits or perform load moaning; the client might not be able to focus on it fully.
Because the whole situation is still too new, and there are just too many other impressions and thoughts in his head. (Like just trying to read the escort and make sure that she seems to like him.)
The first time you have sex with a new client, most guys have all attention just on the fact that they are having sex for the first time with a new partner. They will not be able to fully take in much of the particularities of the sex, or observe or feel everything that is going on.

But later on into the session, well, if all the advanced stuff is already done, it is not so tantalizing and triggering anymore. It does not give the same effect and impact. Then the client is already mentally “satiated” from having experienced “the full show” during the beginning of the session. Even though he maybe was not able to take it all in, or fully enjoy it, at that time.

It is kind of like how separate dishes are presented in a restaurant. If you give the client everything mixed on the same plate, like buffet food in the classic Swedish “smörgåsbord”, to eat like “one chew of that, one chew on this”, and repeat – well it just does not give the same build-up and consumption experience, compared to being served the various dishes separately.

It can however be too risky to wait to “pull on the full show” for longer into the session than for the second round of sex, because the client might not be able to come a third or fourth time, even if he claims that he can.
So I usually try to place the “culmination”, or the full-show, to appear at the second round of sex, unless I from previous meetings know for sure that the guy really can come more than twice.

Like I wrote in the blog about foreplay, the “change of scenarios” is also during sex a good way to create variation, and it give the clients nice visual impressions to later on remember from the date.
Even if the actual experience of having sex on the desk, or in the armchair, maybe was that it was physically straining and even a bit uncomfortable, the client will afterward carry the visual imprints in his memory. So it can be good to move outside of bed during later rounds of sex.
A lot of men never get to experience things like that with their wives, so it kind of has a psychological impact on them to have done such things. It makes them feel more sexually experienced and potent. It boosts their self-confidence and strengthens their sexual identity.

The “doing reps in the gym” style

If you end up working something like monotonous “reps in the gym”, like a set of “suck-ride-suck-missionary-suck-doggy”, and then repeat, repeat, and repeat, all the time in the same speed and intensity, the guy might for sure enjoy it somewhat.
But after a while into the sex, the client will be a bit lulled and bored, if the same stuff is just happening over-and-over. Then he does not really get that trigger of a “sudden culmination”, or the introduction a new element, to excite and arouse him.
So it is not optional to work like this.

But sometimes you need to do it, if you get a frantic client that simply has a hard time to keep the erection up or come at all. Some guys really have a problem to function sexually at all, and not even taking a break to try to “reboot the penis” have much affect on them.
(The 10 minutes break to “reboot” however usually works fine on guys that initially just experience impotence due to nervousness in the beginning of the date).

The more difficult cases of impotence often befall men that eat various kinds of anti-depressive medication (prozac and similar SSRI), or if they eat medicines to keep down blood pressure (antihypertensives).
Even if they often take viagra, they seldom get more than a half-hard erection, and they are usually rather numb in the penis, needing a lot of hard friction to feel anything at all.

Then you might not have much other choice but keep on going in the monotonous “doing set of reps in the gym fashion” for up to a full 2 hours. The older guys (that typically are impotent due to eating antihypertensives), might enjoy watching you strip or play with a dildo, for at least some of the time. Some of them can also come after a long while, of you work them by hand, even if the penis is more or less limb.
But impotent younger guys (that more typical are on SSRI) are often just desperate about managing to perform sexually, so they are mentally closed off to really enjoy or take in anything else but a constant hectic friction. They are usually not able to take much of breaks, because they are in too much emotional panic about being impotent.

In such cases you usually have to start having sex in a high-speed just to make the client keep the half-hard erection up. And then there is little else to do but just continue in that tempo, and simply switch back-and-forth between various positions and oralsex. It is important to change positions and switch between oral sex and intercourse just to be able to keep the high tempo without getting a build up of lactic acid in the muscles. It is indeed pretty much like doing a repeated set of excercises in a gym.
(Frantic guys with erection problems are often not in a very good physical shape, so it is usually the escort that has to do most of the bumping movements in such cases.)

With such clients, more advanced stuff is usually also not doable. Like, it does not work to do advanced positions on furniture, because that is difficult to manage in high-speed, because it takes more muscle strength. So one just have to stick to comfortable positions in bed in order to be able keep up the speed of movement they need.
(And it is wise to never do analsex with guys that go for frantic non-stop sex for hours, the risk of bacteria from the rectum spreading and causing bladder infections or vaginosis is just too big.)

The “stop-and-start” technique

Other clients, that can come only once, and that maybe even come early or prematurely, might either prefer to drag the foreplay out for as long as possible (even with massage and pillow talk already in this phase). And simply wait with the sex as the last thing of the date, often including a build-up with watching the escort strip and play with herself with a dildo.

Or they might enjoy to have very slow sex with lots of breaks (that one simply stop moving every time the client seem to be close to orgasm), which I call the “stop-start” technique of having sex.

But one has to be a bit careful with this start-stop fashion, because many men can get a really hard time with achieving orgasm in the end of it, if one has pushed it too far. A few men though, can get a very powerful orgasm from the dragged out stop-start sex. But they are usually the kind of men that are on the more sensitive end of the scale, who practically could come rather immediately or prematurely, if they did not get a mini-break every time they are close to orgasm.

Most clients, with average sensitivity in the penis, don’t respond too well to the stop-start technique. Their brain signals seem to kind of get messed up from getting hampered time after time when they are close to climax, and they end up merely feeling numb in their penis before even having come at all. Or the erection can turn almost painful though they also are feeling numb.
In most cases, they would have gotten more pleasure out from being allowed to come once or twice in their normal tempo, instead of trying to go for too long before the first orgasm.

So the start-stop technique is best suited for the guys that you know for sure to come easy and to be very sensitive in penis.

Plenty of men that in their early lives have the problem of coming too fast, or even coming prematurely, are the ones that later in life, like at the age of 30 or 40 years, become the types that can come 4-5 times.
Then they are younger though, they might not really unerstand this, since the guys that come very fast (or premature) often feel close to painfully over-sensitive on their penis immediately after orgasm. So they seldom feel motivated try to come more times, particularly not if they mostly just masturbate instead of having a regular partner to practice sex with.
But if they get a longer break, like of 20 minutes, they can often go really fine in the second round, with a very hard erection and more of lasting endurance than during the first round of sex.
And then they get a bit older, that painful over-sensitivity after orgasm seem to lessen, and then they can really enjoy sex with a lot of orgasms. And the ones that are in the middle of the development stages one can experiment a bit with, regarding giving them a longer break and then test if they can perform again.

Other types

A few clients are actually more in it just for getting another human being to talk to, rather than for actually getting sex. For some of them, it is like they almost dutifully perform the sex as an excuse, just to afterwards get some human contact with the sexworker, and a person to talk to.
Strangely, it seems to be more shameful for men to want to pay for friendship, than it is for them to pay for sex, although the latter officially is much more taboo (and even criminalized here in Sweden).

Having sex for these kind of guys can however also be something like a bonding thing, kind of like when other people eat together or play tennis together, just to feel community and trust for each other.
With such guys, it is not a good idea to try to push them to have lots of sex, you just risk embarrassing them. Because even if they are not really into it, they might try to perform sexually, just to seem manly and live up to expectations of what they think is male normalcy.

However, it can also be the case that the guy simply is too shy, or don’t want to appear to be demanding. He might fear that the escort might not really like him, or maybe fear that she does not really like what she is doing. Therefore the case might be that the client does not dare to actually touch the escort, show any initiatives, or do anything.
Therefore it can always be good to give some initiatives also to this kind of seemingly uniterested guys. Like touch and kiss him every once in a while when you just are talking, place his hands on you, and see if he seem to respond with getting an erection or with touching you of his own violation.
If so, you can be pretty certain on that it is right to start up having more sex, even if the guy is very shy and extremely passive.
(I have had a few that lay so utterly passive, still and stiff that I got a bit of a feeling like I was having sex with a dead body. But their penises obviously enjoyed it anyway.)

On the whole, it is anyway very interesting and fun that men function so differently. Each of them is a bit like a new puzzle to put together. The job as a sexworker does never get boring.


2015 April 28 - Professional Foreplay

This is the third of 5 blogs that deal with the basic framework for how to set up a successful sex session. The red thread in all these blogs is “timing”. In this blog I write about the professional foreplay, and some useful tips and tricks to think about.

I would say that the foreplay for professional sex has to be done with some different premises taken into account, compared to the foreplay one might have with a private partner.
In private life, the emotional and bonding experience of the foreplay contains a lot of socially defining functions, it is a ritual to confirm two persons a couple, it is a way to express love and so on.
For professional sex, foreplay is still a way to build trust, to make the client relax and feel safe with getting naked and exposing his sexual desires, but there is also an additional factor of entertainment and fantasy about it.

Experience factors

One can create so much more of an “experience factor” out of small things that people normally don’t pay any attention to.

Like when you unbutton the clients pants, do it slow and take a break and look him in the eyes and extra time, to drag out the anticipation a little. Or pull his belt up with your teeth – it might sound like a phony thing to do, but with the right atmosphere built up, it really does tantalize his mind and makes him feel wanted by you.

Even if your sexy underwear goes off already 10 minutes into the date, it still has an important psychological function. It shows the client that he is worth dressing up for, and this flatters him, makes him feel important and cared for.

It might be that you seldom use much sex toys, but eventually a single dildo, but having a little selection do pull of your bag heightens the atmosphere, it makes you appear more exciting and exotic, and just the sight of sex toys excites most men.

As I see it, once a date has started, one should not waste a moment of it! So, for the foreplay, it is really stupid and unprofessional to like tell your client to get naked and lie down on the bed, while you go to the bathroom to smear on lubrication. (Some girls really do that!)

Undressing together

Use the opportunity to undress together. Show the client that you desire him by undressing him like you would wrap up a valuable gift.
This really means a lot to men, because most of them go through life desiring women to a much higher extent than what they experience that women desire them. So, to feel desired and wanted by a woman for once, is really something that “blow their minds”, even if they know that it is just a fantasy role-play that they pay for.

Plus, it makes the client very comfortable, with not having to feel all “exposed”, if you take care of him in almost a motherly fashion, undressing him like a little baby.
He might know that you don’t love him, or that you don’t even really desire him as a special person, but that little extra care shows him that you at least like him enough to care about him, and that means a lot to many men. For many of them, that is more tenderness than what their own wives bother to show them at home!

And then it comes to your own undressing, this is also an opportunity you really should not waste. Most people have visual triggers as part of their sexuality. Making some little interactive strip show is a really good way to make your client turned on.
Don’t just pull off your clothes like you would undress alone at home, but take it piece by piece. Make a little show of it, with tiny posing pauses between the “main events”, to build the anticipation.

For example, when you get down to BH and panties: Get the client to help you with unzipping your BH while you have your back turned against him (rubbing your butt towards his groin). But then turn around again when you lift the straps from your shoulders, so he can see how your breasts slowly are getting all bared (much more exciting than if you just pull the BH down in one movement). And then let him touch and play a little with your breasts, before you start unbuttoning his shirt.

It can be good to undress the client in about the same stages as you undress yourself. It makes your undressing last longer (building anticipation), and the client never needs to feel awkward about undressing rapidly after you are naked, or feeling naked in front of you by getting undressed before you are all naked.

If you are in a hotel room with a full mirror close by at the entrance, it can be smart to undress in front of it, with you between the mirror and the client. Then the client can watch one side of you in the mirror, and also the other side of you that is turned to him.
(Plus, it will reinforce his experience of that “yes, it is for real!”. That he really is there, getting naked with this beautiful woman, since he in the mirror can see himself like from outside.)
And when you for example get down your panties, you can turn the butt towards the client, so he can see the top of the crotch between your buttocks when you pull down the panties. And if he shifts his vision to the mirror, he can then also see how your crotch at the same time teasingly gets exposed, as you slowly drag those panties down.

All those tiny visual impressions will run over-and-over as a repeat-play in some of your clients’ heads, long after that the date is over. They will masturbate and fantasize about it. A lot of regular men never get to experience stuff like that with their girlfriends or wives.

Because many civilian women are too ashamed of their bodies (or too politically correct about not making themselves into sexual objects) to dare to play on that kind of seductiviness and exhibitionism.
Yet, men are culturally imprinted to get a sexual turn-on from female exhibitionism, due to how media depicts sexual play and seduction. That is why professional sex, when done really well, with attention put to detail, is such a powerful experience for men.

Also, the case is often that the more money a man earns professionally, the more likely it often is that he was that kind of unpopular guy in school. That being the very reason to why he studied hard instead of partying (and later on got that nice top job with a high salary) as compensation for being socially unpopular as a young boy.
But socially, he was then already too imprinted as a low-status individual, to ever be able to display confidence and social skills to really get women attracted to him. Likely he anyway got a good girl to become his wife, but she calculatingly choosing him more out from the sensible aspect of future security, than out from real sexual attraction from her side.
And the longer into the marriage, and the more secure the wife is in her position, the more the man gets starved of affection. And much of sexual playfulness she probably never showed him anyway, more likely keeping the sex as clinically as posibble.
So these tiny things, these tiny acts of playfulness, sensuality and seduction play, might really mean a lot to men. Particularly to the rich and nerdy types of men.

From what I have experienced, the case is often, that men will less good jobs and less money, who are involuntarily single, more often are more desperate about the mere sexual act. But men with good jobs and more money, do often have a wife who sparsely serve them some cold and mechanical sex once in a while (pretty much like a less enthusiastic sexworker).

So, what the men with goods jobs and good money really is missing, is more often pure tenderness, and courtship, appreciation and all those tiny things surrounding the mere sexual act.
Of course they must anyway get good and satisfying sex, but what really gets them on the hook, psychologically speaking, and what makes them return, is not the technical level of the sex acts, but the small personal details that surround it all. “The devil is in the details”, as it is said.

Create scenario variations

A useful “trick of the trade” is also to try to create as much variation and as many small scenarios as possible.
It can for example be good to take the foreplay in the hallway or sofa, and then take the sex in the bed, because afterwards the client then has “more content to remember” when the thinks back on the date. Compared to if everything took place in the bed, because then the memories get more blurred, and the after-experience will be less lively.

Men’s erogenous zones

Another good thing to know for younger girls, is that men also have erogenous zones, and often like to get their nipples stimulated. Young guys haven’t always developed this, but plenty of the mature ones enjoy sensous touch as much as women do. Though usually men have more erogenous zones on the front side of their bodies, compared to women, that usually have more erogenous zones on their neck, shoulders and back.
For men, kisses and touches on their throat, collarbones, chest and the sides of their abdomen, is usually what gives them most pleasure. The front and inside of men’s thighs might also be similar in touch-receptiveness to women’s buttocks.

I once spoke with a woman who was into tantric sex, who explained it in terms of men having erogenous zones on the “sun side” and women on the “moon side”, in regard of this phenomena.
I also heard a theory about that we originally in our pre-history copulated in positions on all four, with the man behind, that also could explain why women get more pleasure out from having their back-side touched while men get more pleasure out from having their front-side touched – since these were the body parts that rubbed between the primitive copulating couple.
I don’t know really what to believe about these theories, but after having had a lot of sex with both men and women, I have found out that there actually is something to it.


2014 March 21 - Start of the Session

This is the second of 5 blogs that deal with the basic framework for how to set up a successful session. The red thread in all these blogs is “timing”. This blog is about some things that are good to think about in the start of the session. Regarding showing the client acceptance and establishing trust, or if need be decide to terminate the session.

As I work as an independent escort, I get a lot of the personal introduction done already via my website, and then in the booking procedure. So I do already have an idea and a feeling about who the individual client is, how he thinks, and what he wants.
But for girls that work for escort agencies, like many Danish girls do, I guess the very start of the session also might be about just doing a first basic personal introduction for a few minutes, if they have not had any previous direct contact with the client.

However, if I would break down the elements in the introductory phase, I would say that these 3 things are the most important:

1) To befriend the client and show him acceptance.
2) To establish a normalcy and a personal trust.
3) In case 1) and 2) does not work out well – to terminate the session.

Befriending the client and showing acceptance

I know that it otherwise is common for some high-class escorts to take about 10-30 minutes to take a drink with the client and sit and chat with him, before any kind of physical contact starts. (This probably also works as a mean to demonstrate their high-class identity, by imitating civilian girls that are a little hard to get to.)

But as I have found it to be, experienced clients are usually comfortable enough in the situation not to need this – it does not really “give” them anything. They are usually pretty happy about getting intimate early on.

Also less experienced clients actually usually get less nervous if I early on move the interaction to the level of physical touch, it is a bit like getting over a threshold. Starting early with physical touch shows the client that he is accepted and liked, which makes him relax and feel good.

It does not have to be more than holding his hand and sitting close to him, if he seems very nervous and inexperienced. But it is important to show that he does not need to worry about getting sexually rejected, as otherwise so often is the case in normal civilian life for men. (On the implicated assumption that he is the normal case of client that behaves nice in return of course.)

If the client is experienced on the other hand, one can move on to actual foreplay and sex rather quickly, if the client indicates that this is what he wants. Although some experienced clients also enjoy dragging the introduction out a bit, to better enjoy the anticipation. – One learns to read this by the clients’ body language, but if one is unsure it is good to ask how the client wants to proceed.

What many clients really do like with professional sex, is the fact that they don’t have to sit there nervous and begging like in normal life, with both the responsibility to initiate sex and with the risk of being rejected. To early on show the client that the physical aspect is ok, that he is welcome as a sexual mate, is something men really do appreciate with professional sex.

Many girls might not think about it, but men do really have a burden in this regard in normal society. Men are expected to take initiatives, but they are also shamed and degraded in status by being rejected.

Civilian women are not expected to take initiatives, but if they anyway do and get rejected, it is not such a shame for them anyway. Then they can still conveniently blame the man for either not understanding to appreciate them (i.e. blame him for having unrealistic demands on women and being sexist). Or they can safely blame and ridicule him for being unmanly and impotent by not picking up on the offer (since women never can be blamed for being sexist against men). Always the man’s fault!

But if men take initiatives and get rejected, the men get blamed for being insensitive and potentially even abusive, the woman being the potential poor victim.
With the extra cruel edge, that if a man takes too hesitant initiatives, the woman perceives him as unmanly plus does not feel properly courted and desired, and will more likely reject him (so she does not appear as a too eager slut). But if man takes too eager initiatives, well, then he is that abusive jerk. Always the man’s fault!

So to relieve the client from that horrible burden of masculinity, of both having to take initiatives and fear rejection, is usually a great relief to him. I would say that this probably is one of the strongest appeals there is about professional sex, that men don’t have to suffer that antagonizing trap of risking to do wrong no matter what they do.

Within professional sex, all that basically is demanded of men is that they can pay, are decently hygienic, and behave nice and kind. The rest of all those status attributes of confidence, good looks, and social status among other people just do not matter anymore.
Then they fully understand this, they usually get very happy! And a good way for the escort to communicate this is by taking initiatives to physical contact.

If I’m going out on a dinner date, and we start directly with the dinner, there is of course a lot of conversation before any real physical contact takes place. (I will write more about that in a later on blog about Social Service.) Although a hug and a kiss on the cheek is of course always in place, and maybe touching hands over the table a number of times.

But for most dates that start behind closed doors, I normally don’t set special time aside for an introduction strictly separated from the actual sexual foreplay.
Instead I usually go rather straight for initiating some kind of physical contact, like cuddling up in the clients lap and similar, already from the start on. Just to “break the ice” and take away the nervousness that the client might have.

I kind of imitate a behavior as if the client already would be my boyfriend, and we just have reunited after having been apart for a while.
With experienced clients, and with my regulars, this can often mean that we jump in bed for the first tumble rather quickly, quite like passionate young lovers would do. With inexperienced or new clients, it more often starts up like a reunited couple that coze and cuddle a bit before starting to have sex.

Though I do more of a talking first, when I cuddle with the clothes on, compared to when I start the actual sexual foreplay with undressing together with the client (which I will come into in the next blog). How much time I spend talking and cuddling with clothes on varies a lot, depending on what cues I get from the client.
It can be everything from 2 minutes to 20 minutes in a sex session.

Establishing normalcy and trust

During the actual foreplay and the sex, I try to match my activity of talking to synch with how much the client himself does talk. But during the phase of introduction and first cuddling, I chat more, even if the client himself seems to be the silent and shy type.
Then it is particularly important to show friendliness and establish a certain recognizable normal social communication, as a way to define the basic premises of our relation, which is best done with some regular everyday smalltalk.

One can chat about everything from the weather to comment the hotel, or mention something about the local news in the city. The important thing is just to show the tiny cues that tell that I can function as a pretty sane and normal person, even though I am a sexworker. So the client does not need to be scared or suspicious of me, but can figure that he can culturally identify with me, communicate normal with me, and trust me.

Later on, during the actual sexual foreplay, I often accentuate the more exotic and explicit sexual aspect more. Then I play a bit on seduction and the kind of excitement about me being a particularly hot and sexualized woman due to being a prostitute. Then I can make the “extra” out of the fact that the sex is professional, and in many regards better and more exciting than regular civilian sex.

But during the introduction, I’m more into establishing a first human connection, a relation of trust, and to define me, him and the social situation as something recognizable within the frames for normal social communication.
So I am more “myself” during the introduction, and then later on play more on the seductive aspect of a fantasy coming true during the real foreplay and the sex.

Eventual termination of the date

The introduction is also important as a “feeler” for confirming that the client really is sane and safe to date. If he is overly drunk, or if he does not seem emphatic or into being cooperative, then I can easier terminate the date and leave in this phase, compared to later on.
It will be less of a fuss and embarrassment the earlier into a date one terminates it, if need would be. Nowadays that rarely happens though, since I’m good at picking the right kind of clients during the booking procedure.

But what typically can happen is that the escort finds the client overly drunk (although he was sober earlier on the phone) when she meets up with him. Or that he is mentally unstable, and just drops into some agonized state of mind where he hates the fact that he has to pay for getting sex, and let that out in anger and with getting hostile towards the escort.

In such cases, one better has to terminate the session. It is never worth the money to have a bad experience. You will have to live with your memories long after that the money from your sexwork is gone. And if you are smart, you can find good ways to do good money with good experiences instead.

If the client hands over the money already as the first thing when one enters, one does of course politely take it. But it can be wise to otherwise wait some minutes to ask for the money, because it is always more smooth to terminate the session and leave before the client has handed over the money.
If he has not already paid, it is easier for him to feel like the decision to not go through with the date was mutual. It is more a clear sign of personal rejection, and more of an embarrassment for him, if he gets the money in return.

Also bad-behaving clients are after all just human, probably victims of a tragic past with personal problems and inner demons. It is always best and also most safe for you to be polite and kind in regard to them, even if they are drunk, hostile and disrespectful.
(Of course one has the right to be angry about having being treated bad, but one does best to allow those feelings to come later, when one is safely away from the situation.)

It is generally not good to motivate a termination of the session by criticizing the client. But is it better to angle it subjectively – to point out that you yourself right now do not feel ok in the situation. (Which indeed also is true.) That is far less provocative than criticizing the client.
It can be good to point out the commonly accepted truth that it is not good to try to have sex if either part is not into it, and point out that the client himself surely not is the kind of man that wants to force a woman.

It is easier for the client to empathize with you (from what ever block he might have in his mind) if you verbally describe your own feelings of distress with a calm and kind tone of voice. Without making yourself to a martyr, and but strictly by describing your feelings subjectively.
If you on the other hand criticize the client, or the specific situation with him, you will just feed his inner demons, and give him cause to see you as his antagonist.

It is also very good to not just stand right up and down and discuss things, but start to get going with leaving the location as fast as possible, while talking to the client. (And return the money of course, if you already have gotten them.) Even if you need to threaten with calling the police, still keep your polite calm. Few men can escalate a conflict to violence if the other part keeps on being calm and kind.

But a good thing with being an independent escort and with always taking up bookings according to certain criteria, and with minimum of one day’s pre-notice, is that one usually already have a good feeling for whom one is going to date and rarely runs into hostile or dramatically unstable guys.
I’ve run into minor problems in private homes in Sweden (despite having confirmed the guys full identity in advance), but there have never been any problems in hotels or in private homes in Copenhagen.

Being a bit expensive helps too, I think. Then it is more of an investment for the client, something he wants to pay more for because he really wants to have a good experience. And then he can figure out that he will get a much better service if he is kind, sober and cooperative.


2014 March 20 - The Booking

This is the first of 5 blogs that deal with the basic framework for how to set up a successful session. The red thread in all these blogs is “timing”. This blog about the booking also deals with the actual booking procedures.

How to make a booking varies a lot depending on how you work. There is already good information about safety concerns at http://www.saafe.info/#outcalls and http://sakerhetsguide.blogspot.se .
My approach in this blog is about the actual booking procedures, but if you are new to sexwork, you should definitely also look up the safety advices given in these links, before you even consider to start as a sexworker, or take up any bookings at all.

Also worth to mention is that the booking procedure I describe here below is mostly relevant for upper scale escort work: where selection among a surplus of potential clients that express interest is more relevant than trying to solicit interest among clients with a weak interest. But I guess that some elements anyway might be universal.

Before the first contact

The better a presentation you can do of yourself already before that the individual client even contacts you, via advertisement or a website of your own, the better off you will be with attracting:
1) Many clients to choose between.
2) Clients that are on the same “wave-length” as you are, and that you will get a good personal chemistry with.

You can with very good results use your adds or a website to work as a “match maker” for you. To not just give you clients, but also give you the kind of clients that you prefer to have.
Regarding how to go about that, I can as mentioned in an earlier blog recommend http://www.theinternetescortshandbook.com and the books from Amanda Brooks.

But generally, it is just about giving good information about yourself and what you do, and present it in a good language and with nice pictures.
Also, if you already in your advertisement and on a website can give elaborate information about what you do, you will also save a lot of time with taking on bookings, since you then don’t need to explain everything from scratch for every new client.

Even more important, if you can predefine the context of what you do very well, you can also see what prospective clients that can follow along in your kind of communication. If they can take it in and accept the information you give, and ask contextually relevant questions – then you know that they likely are going to work out well to date.
But if they try to redefine the context you work within, by asking about things you don’t do, or simply use a language that is not in line with how you market your business – then you know that the are more likely to not be so nice to date, and can better ignore them or deny them a date.

The timing of screening bookings

There are mainly 2 important things to figure out with a prospective client:
1) If he is serious (about actually paying for a date).
2) If he is nice (as a person).

There are more time-wasters out there that are good at pretending to be nice, than there are time-wasters out there that are good at pretending to be serious. (Simply because well-educated men with good jobs seldom have that much time to spend as time-wasters).
That is why it will save you time to first look for signs about if the booking seems to be serious, and then look for signs about if the client in question seems to be nice.

That is why it also is smart to use the timing of:
1) Email as first level of selection.
2) Phone contact as second level of selection.
Because written language, as in emails, tells more about the client’s educative background and socio-economic standing (if he has money). And voice over the phone tells more about a client’s attitude to you (if he is nice).
So if you do your primary selection via email, you save yourself a lot of time, by early on getting rid of the bulk of the time-wasters with no money.

When I screen emails, I partly look at the language as such, regarding grammar and syntax (spelling errors can occur with modern smart phones, so that is no big deal) – to figure out the client’s likely socio-economic standing, or at least how good manners and how much sanity he has.
And partly I figure out what feeling I get from what the client writes, the contextual impression from the text – to figure out if he seems nice.

I don’t actually mind clients with lower education, but if they are nice and sincere they can usually write good emails too, if they just put some effort into it. So what I look for is also if the client has bothered to write full sentences, uses a greeting and a goodbuy, and such minor things.
But the most important is after all the content of the email – how the client approaches me and how he describes himself.

A lot of escorts mostly rely on what “gut feeling” they get from a prospective client over phone. I though, actually find phone conversations a bit unreliable.
I’ve met plenty of really nervous clients, like virgins aged 40+, which were complete stuttering messes when speaking on phone, due to nervousness. But due to my impression from what they were able write on email, when they had time to relax and collect their nerves at home, I trusted to meet with them. And they turned out just fine.

But then, if you work a lot by using phone conversations as your most important tool for selecting clients, I guess that you will learn to “read between the lines” for when a client just is scared but still nice and serious, or when you have a potential problem-person in the phone.

If the first booking inquiry from a new and unknown client comes more than 3 weeks in advance of the desired day for the date, I have by experience learned that there is a greater likelihood for that the person just wants attention, and will not go through with the booking.
And if the first inquiry from an unknown client is merely 1 day in advance, there is a slighter likelihood for that he just acted on an impulse, but over the night will figure that it is too expensive for him.

Most serious bookings are made 1-2 weeks in advance. (Particularly if they are from a new client. Some traveling regulars though, can sometimes make preliminary bookings several months ahead.) But the time span of 3 days in advance up to 2,5 weeks in advance, are also good margins for the behavioral pattern that most serious bookings fall into.

The timing of content in a booking

The most important information early on in a booking is the when, where and how of:
1) What day
2) What place
3) What time and for how long
4) What service

The earlier on a prospective client can provide this information, the more likely it is that he is serious. If he is late with figuring these things out, he is more likely a time-waster. – Although, there are exceptions, typically traveling businessmen that don’t in advance know what their local circumstances will look like.

But if this information about day, place, time and service is in order, then you better know that it is worthwhile to figure out if the client in question seems to be a nice person. Then you can relax a bit and befriend the client a little.
If he cannot give information about when, where and how, then you should be a bit careful about investing too much effort into communicating with him.

Too many questions, or too much surplus information given is also often not a good sign about clients being serious.
Like if a guy that ask too many questions about you as a person or about sex, or has too many elaborate sex fantasias that he keeps on talking about. Likewise, if they speak too much about how rich they are, with summerhouses, yatches, rich family background, high work position, and so on, it is also not a good sign.
(Clients that really are rich and socially well established seldom advertise it, since they don’t want an escort to get clingy on them. Guys that are not that rich on the other hand, often pretend to be, in hope that you will give them extra unpaid attention and time.)

A few seemingly very polite and well-written emails are also just from time wasters, or from manipulative guys that get a kick out of mind-games and power-plays (the latter might be willing to pay, but they are not so nice to date, so I try to avoid them).
They usually give slight hints about being non-serious or not so nice, by being a bit too demanding in the administrative process, and by constantly changing their minds about what they want. But ultimately, the best way to detect them is by the gut feeling. So one has to develop a certain level of intuition here.

Some traveling businessmen that see a lot of escorts, sometimes have a style of booking that I call “flight ticket bookings”, since they book their escorts with as much routine as they book their flights and hotel rooms. They are usually very brief, giving the relevant information about when, where, how, but not much more than a line or two about themselves.
But they usually work very well to date, and are usually very uncomplicated and experienced as clients to escorts. But one has to learn how to recognize that kinds of emails, by the small details, before one safely can accept such bookings without inquiring more about the clients attitude.

Timing of email and phone contact

As I myself work, the most common timing for how to handle email and phone contact; is to get the first inquiry, answer it, and then in the second or third email decide about a time for a phone call. The phone call is usually between 3-5 minutes, but also 10-15 minutes is normal if it is a dinner date.

Some clients prefer not to have a phone contact, and if they are articulate enough over email, and I get the right feeling about them, I’m nowadays fine with that. (I would however not recommend a more inexperienced escort to take up bookings without also having a phone conversation.)

If the guy starts to call a lot spontaneously without asking about an agreed time, or wants to have several phone conversations, he is likely to be a false-booker.
Plenty of emails from a client are on the other hand more seldom a sign of him being a false-booker. Probably because writing takes more of a personal investment of energy and time, with no granted immediate kick of a direct contact, than merely calling someone on the phone gives.

Clients that write a lot might however prove to be clingy, sexually complicated (or sexually dysfunctional) and hard-worked, but they are usually serious about the date and about paying. And they are usually nice, although emotionally demanding. (But a plus can be, that such neurotic guys often think more than most people, so they can sometimes be really interesting to have conversations with out on the dates.)

If the first date inquiry comes about 2 weeks in advance of the actual date, it is most normal for me to have the phone conversation about 1 week to 3 days in advance of the date. If the date inquiry comes 1 week or 3 days in advance, it is most normal for me to have the phone conversation 1-2 days before the date.

It is often smart to space out the occasions of contact a little over time, this give non-serious clients time to cool off and drop off, instead of canceling in the last minute (which saves me time and enables me to schedule other activities or dates instead).

Taking up bookings early on, and space out the contact before the date, is also a good way to weed out the kinds of men that are emotionally unstable. Like rich guys that are sex-addics and on recreational drug use, or borderline or bipolar guys. (The first kind is usually sexually hard-worked, and the latter kind might fall in love and get way too complicated to be comfortable to date.) But such persons can often not foresee and plan for their needs for pleasure very well in advance.

But many really nice and easy-worked clients also only book just a few days in advance. Particularly many traveling business men might not always know their exact schedule, or if they will be alone in the hotel, until they get to what ever conference or business meeting that they now might be traveling to. But they first decide to book an escort once they know that “the coast is clear”. So it would be too hampering to have more than one day as a minimum requirement for advance notice.

Regarding the last procedures of contact, I usually email or text the client by phone early on the actual day for the date, like at lunch or in the afternoon, to confirm that everything is going as planned. And I again text him when I am on my way out to him, so he also then know that everything is going according to schedule.

I often text the client a few times more when I’m going out to my date, since I know that many clients are pretty nervous about meeting up. They often cannot really focus on anything else during the last half hour of expecting my arrival, and then it is nice for them to get at least 2 text messages. So that our interaction already has started a little, instead of them having to be alone and nervous.
It is also nice for them to know that I’m closing in, to get a last text message 3-5 minutes before I arrive, so they don’t need to jump high of fear when I finally knock on the door.

The importance of intuition

In the end, I use something of an intuitive “thin slice” decision to figure out if a booking inquiry is to consider worthwhile to follow up and make a booking out from, particularly regarding the aspect of whether the client is nice or not.

I can really recommend the book Blink – the Power of Thinking without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell, which is about how humans make intuitive “thin slice” decisions, and about how one can get aware about this ability. (You can read more about the book here http://gladwell.com/blink/ and buy it here http://www.amazon.com/Blink-The-Power-Thinking-Without/dp/0316010669 )

As a new sexworker, this intuition is an ability you have to work up over time, from experience in the particular practice of sexwork. But understanding how this ability works might help to speed up your learning.


2014 March 18 - Sexual Service

This blog is an introduction to the following blogs The Booking, Start of the Session, Professional Foreplay, Timing of Sex and End of the session. All these blogs have “timing” as their red thread, but also branches out into various other themes.


The timing is the A and O for a successful session with professional sex. Particularly so, because we escorts charge money for our time. In order to give the client a good experience, the importance of a good timing cannot be ignored. That is why I choose “timing” as the angle for how to write the following 5 blogs.

I will later on turn my attention to various sex techniques, but this issue about timing is like the level above that. Single sex techniques don’t matter much if one does not know how to put them together into the right kind of timing and social communication. And sex with a partner is in itself also much more about a psychological experience, than it is about mere physical stimulation.

One can rudimentary break an escort encounter down into 5 stages, that each has it’s own timing:
1) Booking
2) Introduction
3) Foreplay
4) Sex (+interludes between goes)
5) Afterplay and goodbye

The length of these stages can vary a lot in duration and relative proportions of time, depending on how one works, how long the session is, and what the unique client needs.
If one is doing a long-time date with dinner, staying overnight or even spending a full weekend together, this set up of these stages does of course look different, with just some elements that remain relevant.
But generally, in order to maximize the client experience, the timing between these stages as well as the timing within them, is a very important factor.

It is kind of like one would serve a full dinner menu:
One has to make sure that the various courses are in harmony and complements each other in taste, plus that they must be balanced in size, in order to not make the guest too full to early, nor leave him hungry. Apart form that one has to balance the dishes in relation to each other, each dish also has to contain ingredients that are nicely balanced to each other there on the plate.

And just like with restaurants, all the small details with how to present and serve the courses, with visual esthetics and additional little appetizers on the side, means a lot for giving a whole consumer experience that satiates both body and mind.

The wholeness of the experience

Professional sex is part of the experience industry. Clients might not always know it themselves, but they do look more something more than just getting a plain service – paying for sex is not like taking their car to a carwash.
There is a physical need to be taken care of, but like with restaurants and hotels, just some fast food to fill the stomach or just a simple bed to sleep in is not enough to grant satisfaction. But the whole personal and esthetical experience around it matters a lot.

And more so with sex than with restaurants and hotels, because sex is something people spend much more of their awakened time to fantasize about. Food and sleep are needs that are so much simpler than the need for sex. Seen to how big a market there is for hotels and restaurants, one can figure what a huge potential there really is in the sex business.
Because really, a good sexual experience can pretty much be described as the ultimate experience! And for us that work with sex, this gives a lot of interesting opportunities for creativity!

The most important thing is actually about the subtle communication, the emotion passing between provider and client. The eye contact, the smile, the emotional quality of the touch. The “magic of the moment”. This is hard to break down, analyze and put into conveyable advices about “doing this and that”.
It remains something very personal and slightly mystical, I believe. It takes focus and emotional energy from the sexworker, but when the client reciprocates, it also gives back a lot of emotional energy.
But there are actually a lot of small things one can do, to better enable that this kind of good emotional communication can get realized to its best potential.

Sexwork is a form of art, and just like some artists within music, literature and painting sometimes can create magic pieces of work, we escorts can learn how to excel in creating “magic moments”.
And just like artists extremely seldom just produce a masterpiece without any previous training, schooling or awareness about what they do – sexworkers also cannot just ignore the need to try to figure out methods and craftsmanship for getting good at what we do.

Sometimes these “magic moments of eroticism” happen spontaneously, just like when two people fall in love in normal life. But one can also learn how to artificially create a pretty similar experience, if one just learns how to put attention to timing and details.

The usefulness of this

As pointed out several times during this blog, as well as in previous blogs, providing a good service gives you a nice market foundation of clients that want to return to you.
That puts you in a position where you can do so called “cream skimming” (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cream_skimming).
Meaning that you can hand-pick clients that both are nice (low-cost on your emotional well-being) and pay-willing (the high-value, according to these market terms). And so, you can both be emotionally happy and earn good money with your sexwork.

And more than that, it also gives a certain personal satisfaction to be able to do a good job, which really brings happiness and pleasure to another person. Sexwork might be deemed as a lowly line of work and something one should be ashamed about. But one good way to put up resistance to that, is by taking the work serious and strive to make something beautiful out from it. It gives confidence to the soul and good feelings in one’s heart.


2014 March 17 - To Create a Sexual Theme

In this blog I will write about how one can create a relation oriented “sexual theme” and a “work-identity” as means to develop good interaction and good client relations.
I start with the problems with the more destructive sexual theme of sexwork as something forbidden and norm-breaking. The later parts of this blog contain some practical tips about what one actually can do to create a more useful sexual theme.

The norm-breaking kink as a sexual theme, and the problems with this

For some sexworkers the very taboo about prostitution can work as a sexual trigger – the kink about doing something forbidden and norm-breaking.
Ideation about revolting against society, “cheating” from normal rules of conduct by making heavy cash on something morally condemnable, and so on, can be used to boost up aggressive feelings of personal power, that then in turn can be channeled into sexual feelings.

Or even more basic; if one’s mind can link “sex” and “forbidden” as closely associated, it does not take that much of a leap of emotional logic to create a sexual trigger here, and experience the forbidden as sexually exciting. That is pretty much part of our cultural heritage about sexuality already. Most people can like “tap into” that theme, to some extent at least, because we are so culturally conditioned with it.

One sees this a lot in the marketing of cheaper sexual services offered, regarding an obscene, pornographic and provoking language, and pictures in the same style (even pretty good looking girls sometimes use very trashy pictures, seemingly aimed more to provoke than to present their figure to their advantage).
And I have absolutely no moral objections about it per se, but my opinion is that this is not very useful, in terms of creating a safe and secure working environment with emphatic client relations, neither is it optimal for making good money.

Because if the sexworker uses this theme about doing the forbidden and norm-breaking as her way to connect sexual feelings to having professional sex, she will attract clients that do the same thing.
Clients that are emotionally aware and have worked themselves through very well, can channel “darker emotions”, like excitement about doing something “wrong”, shameful and norm-breaking into their sexuality – and still manage an emphatic and normal social interaction on a personal level. (Like within serious BDSM, which has a subculture that provides interpretation for this.) But far from all clients in for regular sex are that emotionally mature and aware.

When normal clients think that they “do something bad” or something “wrong” with the professional sex they have, they often loose their moral compass about how to behave nice and kind to the sexworker as a person.
If the client thinks he is doing something wrong in the situation, and thinks he is perceived as a “bad guy” because of that – he will also likely behave like a bad guy also in other aspects. Due to having internalized a negative identity in the situation.

Plus that clients that feel ashamed about themselves and what they do, often easily project this as resentment towards the sexworker. The emotional logic behind this being that the client blames the sexworker as the partner in crime that “tempted” him into acting on his “base desires”.

If one work within this kind of sexual theme, where the very norm-breaking is part of “regular” sex, one can count on also meeting trouble with clients that behave disrespectful, and might try to also break other norms – such as practicing safe sex with condom, paying according to agreement, and similar.
As said, if the clients lose their moral compass about the sex, and believe the sex as such to be wrong, the step to lose the moral compass about violence and rape is not that far to go.

To a huge deal here, every sexworker has to work against the structurally imposed taboos on sexwork that society has placed on us. That has a huge impact on making the clients internalizing a bad identity in the situation, which in turn makes them likely to behave abusive towards sexworkers.

Plus that society also does not accept girls who sexually don’t derive their lust from attraction to a partner. Desirable female sexuality is supposed to be relation-oriented, not just getting a sexual turn on all “solo”, or from excitement about doing something forbidden.
Apart from that society in large tries to deny that such women even can exist (or explains them as disturbed and sick, and not “for real”), it is also filled with contempt, fear and hatred for them. Men get culturally conditioned to disregard, hate and fear such women, no matter if they charge money or not.

So what is written above must in no way be read as a “blaming the victim”, like that sexworkers that suffer abuse from clients should be blamed for it, if they now worked with a “destructive sexual theme”, or something like that. There is never any excuse for abuse.
But my aim here, is how one as an individual – given structurally imposed cultural conceptions one cannot change – anyway can find practical means and methods to minimize one’s risks and maximize one’s good options. One cannot change society, but one can find ways to make the best out of existing conditions.

As a single sexworker, you work on a micro level of social interaction, where you meet single individual clients on a person-to-person level. And on that level you do have capacity for communicative agency, and you can really make a great change for yourself and your opportunities!
It is never your fault if a client behaves abusive, but you can take steps to better avoid getting clients that might be likely to behave bad. – Plus, learn how to play on what society defines as desirable sexuality, in order to make better money within sexwork.

How to create a relation oriented sexual theme to work out from

For working in a nice atmosphere, and managing good and positive client relations, I would in general recommend other sexworkers to avoid the whole norm-breaking and obscene theme (the exception being if one is doing conscious BDSM), but instead try to focus on a more positive and relation oriented kind of sexual theme.

Look for sexual themes that will enable a good interaction, with friendship and trust, to go along with the actual professional sex. The trick of it is to somehow create a kind of personalized “story” around the sex, which provides both the sexworker and the client with positive identities in the situation. If client can get an identity as being a “good guy” he will also likely act like a good guy in relation to you.

If you can define your professional identity as something nice and positive, and give the client a nice role to play, your interaction will also be nice. And you will have a good time together! It is important to work with sexual themes that can diminish feelings of shame and confusion about “right and wrong” in the heads of the clients.
Even if your relation is professional, it can still contain genuine friendship and trust, just like other professionals, such as car mechanics and hairdressers, can have good work-life relations on the personal plane with their clients.

This does not necessary mean that everyone have to go into the GFE (girlfriend experience), that is my own basic theme.
Sexwork is for most double-living sexworkers something of a separate life, or an exemption from normal social reality. So I guess that also most girls that actually are relation oriented (and so have private partners in their civilian lives) also cannot just work with “what they already got”, because they want to keep that part of themselves private. But they too probably need to construct like “a new part in themselves” for the sexwork.

But there is a good number of other positive sexual archetypes to take inspiration from in order to create a nice and positive sexual theme, that all are relation oriented, or communicative in terms of providing the client with a nice identity on his end of the relation.

For example:

- The courtesan (enabling the client to be seduced).
- The pedestal princess (enabling the client to seduce her).
- The sex-therapist (enabling the client the role of being taken cared of).
- The cougar (enabling the client to work on pleasing her).

These are the 4 most common, but I guess there are more. Like the Dominatrix (although she could be regarded to be an extreme version of the cougar).
And one can very well blend them, the experienced lady being the woman with several faces. (Although it is easiest to market a mixture of maximum 2 archetypes.)

The archetypes mentioned above are also usually part of what “personalizes” the more basic and broader concepts of GFE (girlfriend experience) or PSE (pornstar experience).
Also, if one works as a GFE for real, with taking in a lot of authentic personal traits from one’s civilian identity, it is still often good to “spice it up” a little, with some more archetypical traits. – At least in the marketing, in order to better stand out from the crowd.

But the important factor in all of these archetypes above is that they are communicative, and also designate the client with an identity. They give him and understandable role to play towards the sexworker. Most importantly, a role with positive content. (Compared to society’s definition of sexbuyers as abusive buyers of passive bodies.) And if the client thinks he is a good guy he will also behave like a good guy . . .

That all these archetypes have a relation oriented sexual theme makes the sexworker safer, since it will not put her in that “box” of hatred and disregard that society has for women that don’t emotionally relate to their sexual partners. Meaning that the client also will experience the sexworker as a “normal” woman in the situation, and he will be inclined show her empathy and kindness also for that reason.

A good starter to figure out a work-identity and a sexual theme could be to search around in big directories like http://openadultdirectory.com/escorts/ and look on various international websites, to get an idea about the scope of possible concepts and identities for sexworkers.
Also here http://vedadesigns.net/portfolio.php you can find a number websites with really well-done concepts.

And then:
1) Develop a personal theme and identity with elements drawn from various concepts.
2) Fill this theme with abilities you have (what you do, and what you think, feel and like).
3) Imagine situations of client interaction, and imagine what your client can think, feel and do in interaction with you.
4) Attach positive emotional and sexual associations to this personal theme.

Be creative and use some fantasy! Go about it as if you would make an avatar in a computer game or a character in a role-play. Sit down with pen and paper and make a mind-map with various abilities, character traits, background and future goals.
And write little short stories, where you imagine that you are a client to yourself, and experience everything from his perspective.

And think about the thing about having a communicative theme, that already in advance give the client cues on what identity or role he has in relation to you. From my observations among girls in Copenhagen, before I started up as independent, I concluded that this was the single most important factor for a girl getting popular.

That was the trick behind why some seemingly old and ugly women could make better money than plenty of the younger and prettier. The older did not only know “what the men wanted” in terms of sexual service, but they also understood how to make their clients feel emotionally comfortable in relation to themselves.

And this even for short-term services. It was not that these older women actually managed to build a unique relation to each single client, but that they offered the clients more like a ready-made script, simply by their own way of acting. These sexworkers gave easily decodable cues that the clients just could catch-up on, and like fall in line with. And so the clients felt comfortable, knowing what they should do and say, and who they were in relation to the sexworker, already from the start of the session.

If one wants to break down the elements in the “theme” in abstract terms, what you have to deal with is:
1) The situation (what you and the client do during the session)
2) The interaction (how you relate to each other)
3) The identities (who you are and who your client is)

These 3 elements that make up the “theme” are intertwined into each other, like communicating vessels. But it is the “identities” and the “interaction” that arises from them, that finally determines the “situation”.
So the start for getting in control of the situation, is by defining your own work-identity and your half of the interaction. And learn how to communicate it so that you attract clients that want to play along with what you do.

But of course, this also relies on that you can attract nice clients that want to play along with your kind of interaction. But from what I have experienced, clients really don’t just want a passive body (if so, a blow-up doll would do). And neither do they just want mechanical service (that they can do by own hand).
What they actually want is either a real personal connection (like the GFE that actually takes in authentic personal traits from the sexworker), or least a fantasy or role-play given together with the mechanical service.

When clients look for a sexworker in adds, on internet or similar, they look for a certain “type of girl”. But this is not just about looks and age as such, but about a “type of girl” that simply looks like she could provide a certain fantasy, or a certain kind of interaction, which that particular client fantasizes about.
This also goes for abusive clients, which look for girls that seem vulnerable or like in marginalized circumstances, if their primary turn-on is to humiliate and dominate.

And as a sexworker then, one also has to try to communicate what kind of fantasy and sexual theme one wants to offer, to best attract the nice clients and scare off the abusive ones. By pictures, by words, or best, just by some kind of “theme”, which kind of hints about “who one is” (the work-identity) as a symbolic representation for “what one does” (the interaction). And of course, one also has to be ready to decline clients that don’t seem nice and cooperative to start with.

This also gave me a new angle on the insight on that it probably really is important to create a work-self, or a work identity, also for us sexworkers in regard to ourselves (not merely in regard to our clients). Because having a work-identity makes it easier for ourselves to kind of understand what we do, and decide what we want to do (and in the extension also know what we like to do).

The usefulness of having a conscious work-identity and sexual theme

Some girls seem to think that the more personal effort or awareness they invest into their sexwork, the more it will “affect” them as civilian persons, or that it will like change them as “who they really are”. And so, they seem to jump into doing sexwork with their eyes closed, so to speak.

But frankly, if you have entered into working with sex, there is a huger risk it will affect you negatively if you just passively try not to relate to it at all, than if you actively and consciously try to make your sexwork into something nice and positive.

If you actively direct your circumstances, like market yourself to attract nice clients you can choose between, you will have a really good chance to actually have a good time while doing sexwork. And come out as a much more wholesome and happy person in the end of it.

There is also money to make in being able to stand out a bit from the crowd, and clearly give signs about being serious and service minded. I’m often befuddled about why so many sexworkers seem to be so reluctant about investing anything into their business – be it money, aforethought or effort.
Even if some sexworkers are just desperate about money, why not still try to make that money in a nice way?


2014 March 12 - To Create Feelings 3

In this blog I will write about what kind of tricks and methods I know that other sexworkers use for “getting into the mood” for doing sexwork. I also mention a method for emotional training with techniques from “method acting”. In the end I reflect on how to interpret the kind of emotional preparation that many sexworkers do.

Some common ways to get into the right “head space” for sexwork

Most sexworkers do some kind of mental preparation to “work themselves” into the right mood before going to work (I’ve sometimes heard it described as to “mind-fuck oneself”). Even if most sexworkers don’t use such an elaborate or organized practice as what I have described in the previous blog, most have some kind of habit or ritual to cross over from “normal” life into doing sexwork.

From what I have understood, for most girls the mental preparation before work is not so much about creating sexual feelings as such, but more a way to boost up confidence and energy to have the kind of charisma and charm that the sexwork craves.
But to some extent the ability to function well during sex also comes into that, whether it is just to perform good faking abilities or to actually perform actual sexual feelings. Either way, it one often needs to boost up some energy and mental focus for it.

I guess the really tragic and low-functioning cases of sexworkers use drugs to emotionally and mentally get in the right mood. Other, more high-functioning, sexworkers have special beauty routines with bathing, make-up and getting dressed, and so on, as a way to also do mental preparation.

A typical thing is that high-functioning sexworkers use certain perfumes, clothes, shoes, make-up, breath mints and music that they only use for work – never in private life.
Kind of like shamans don’t use sacred items for everyday tasks, but exclusively use these items when dealing with “the other reality”, in order to also easier mentally access that other reality.

The separate things for sexwork that I have observed that many sexworkers use can actually be categorized in accordance with our bodily senses:
Smell – certain body lotions and perfumes.
Sound – certain music.
Sight – certain color themes and design in clothing and make-up.
Feeling – very high-heeled shoes that change body posture.
Taste – certain chewing gums or breath mints.

I think this could be explained as “psychological priming” (see http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/priming for definition). In this case it works as a way to reach certain emotional states via sensory associations. Emotional states that enable sexworkers to go outside the normal social reality, and its morals for how sex is to be practiced and its limitations for how women are supposed to feel about sex.

Then it comes to how to dress, I knew a girl that normally dressed comfortable in jeans and sweaters, but for escorting she dressed up in chic secretary outfits, with underwear in black lace and leopard patterns. While a girl that actually had a representative office job changed into casual student wear of jeans and tight tops when she did sexwork. And a punk-chick on the other hand, changed her black heavy-metal t-shirts to pretty little cotton dresses with flower patterns and underwear in pastel colors.

Music can be used as a way to get into a certain mental state or like a fantasy world. I knew one girl that listened to the soundtrack from the movie Moulin Rouge every time when she was getting ready to go out for escorting, and she kind of had a fantasy about that kind of glamour and drama, as a way to create energy, confidence and motivation for her dates. Other girls that work with incall, often have special music playing when they receive their clients.

I also knew a Danish girl who read her own advertisement texts out loud, as a way to “get into character”. Another read her favorite pages in a romance novel about an escort every time before work, as a way to find to the right mindset.
Yet another escort had a submissive client (who she had a special relation to) to come by and give her tactile massage with a feather on her back before she was going out to date her normal clients.

“Method acting” and the Meisner technique

I knew of two girlfriends that took inspiration from “method acting” from theatre, which also is about creating emotional states in oneself. They were particularly inspired by the Meisner technique.
This is many years ago now, but both of these girls had artistic aspirations, and took some courses in acting (dreaming a little about maybe becoming actors), that was how they got to the idea about also using their theatre training for their escorting. – But I don’t know how useful this approach could be to someone with no previous experience with training for acting.

But I can recommend Sanford Meisner on Acting by Sanford Meisner and Dennis Longwell (you can find it here http://www.amazon.com/Sanford-Meisner-Acting/dp/0394750594 ) as an inspiring read to what one practically can do in line of actual exercises for emotional training for acting.

I can also add here, that Meisner’s approach to method acting, was not so much that of recalling events and feelings from the memories from the actors own life (as most people know as common knowledge about traditional method acting), but Meisner had more of an extrovert way of doing it. Which focused more on the “present now”, and deriving feelings and expressions from interaction with other actors on the scene.

So I can imagine that Meisner’s method would suit most double-living sexworkers better than regular method acting, in case they feel that they don’t want to recall sexual feelings from their private life, but rather go for constructing a new kind of sexual feelings specifically targeted for the sexwork situation.

Anyway, the approach of these girlfriends was to learn to act so well that they actually felt what they acted. And in order to be able to “access” feelings that normally would not spontaneously come to them, they used these (in some cases slightly bizarre) techniques used for training actors.
As a way to break down their habitual way of thinking and feeling, to thus reach deeper stages of consciousness and emotions, and in the extension to be able to conjure the desired feelings at will. They just made some minor changes in the content in the normal thechniques to make them better targeted for escorting situations.

But as mentioned earlier, I don’t know how useful this kind of training is for someone with no previous experience in training for acting. Plenty of the exercises also rely on that you have a partner to act with, which might be difficult for sexworkers that work alone.

The interpretation of the emotional preparation

An interesting thing here is that most common people (as well as some sexworkers themselves) seem to believe that sexworkers only change name, look and way of being, as a mean to “protect” their civilian identities.
But I think this merely is part of the truth. Particularly for girls that stay in the business, or not merely work because of the money, it is more to it than to merely protect their civilian selves.
Most of the girls that keep on working for a while and actually like what they do, also usually like to go into their sexwork identity, like a fetish of sorts. It is not merely a protection, but also an extension of themselves.

It is a way to experience a different side to oneself, which in itself can be a very enriching and fun experience. Pretty ordinary girls with dull and boring lives can change into glamorous and confident sex goddesses for the night. It is like Cinderella doing her magic transformation. It is glamour and seduction, but also a way to realize and let out parts of oneself that otherwise never would have been acknowledged or allowed in one’s normal civilian life.

So I would not say that this merely is an “illusion” or a “deception”. It is not that simple. The “truth” is always contextual, depending on the situation, and what is consistent over time in a certain kind of situation. If one over time can keep on going into one’s sexwork identity, it is true, real and genuine in the social reality of sexwork.


2014 March 11 - To Create Feelings 2

In this blog I will explain the practical method I myself use to insure that I can manage to get sexual feelings when I have professional sex. I will also give some tips about meditation techniques.
In previous blog I explained the underlying theoretic premises for my method with self-hypnosis, and I would advise you to read my previous blog before you read this one.

Techniques for meditation and self-hypnosis

First to say here is that I already had learned meditation techniques before I started with sexwork, as well as that I already had a relatively steady routine with yoga and meditation going. Which I think made it relatively easy for me to use this approach in particular, to create a method with ritual self-hypnosis to improve my performance ability as escort.

So I don’t mean that this is “the way”, or that it is something that anyone just could copy and use to get the same results. Every person is unique, so all kind of inner work require that one finds one’s own personal way to go about it. (So for those knowing about NLP that I mentioned in the previous blog, I don’t really believe that “modeling” is doable to full extent, simply because people have too different and unique “patterns” as their personal “references”.)

But everyone has to start somewhere, and taking in inspiration from other people and experimenting with existing methods and techniques is usually a good way to go. Then, later on, one can individualize one’s practice, according to what feels to work best for oneself.

I work with two separate kinds of meditative techniques: One that is about mindfulness, which is to experience and gain awareness about what my mind spontaneously is doing. And the other technique is about focused meditation, which also can be adapted to self-hypnosis.

If one does work with the latter, self-hypnosis, I think it is very important to also work with mindfulness meditation separately, as a mean to make sure that one doesn’t get some kind of emotional back-fire effect, in case the self-hypnosis temporarily would “overrule” other contradicting emotions one might have.
That can happen when you manipulate your own mind, in case you would push yourself too hard and don’t give yourself time and opportunity to experience eventual contradicting emotions that you might have. The consequences will likely be stress and unstable and unpleasant emotional swings.

But you don’t really need to worry about “brain washing” yourself into someone or something you don’t want to be. Because all meditation works as a double edged sword, or like a door that open both ways – if you try to communicate with the deeper subconscious parts of yourself, you also open up for those parts of you to communicate with your conscious mind. If you start to speak with your mind, you will notice that it also speaks back to you!

But as said, to avoid timewisely delayed negative emotional reactions: If any other escort out there would like to try out the self-hypnosis method I describe here below, I would also advice you to read about techniques for mindfulness meditation and practice that as well on separate occasions, so you make sure not to loose touch with other aspects of yourself.

Generally though, I would say that there is no more wrong with using self-hypnosis or manipulation of one’s own thoughts and feelings, than pushing your intellect to read difficult texts or straining your body for better sports achievements. That is also about manipulating yourself to grow, evolve and go for certain goals you want to achieve.
It’s all just about training and teaching oneself more optimal ways to function, as a mean to develop on a personal level. Live is growth, and the self is in constant growth and change during our travel through life.

As you can train your intellect or your bodily muscles, you can also train your thoughts and your feelings. Including training your sexuality and your sexual feelings. But you must remember to give yourself time to rest and to acknowledge other aspect of yourself and your life as well, if you want to stick to the healthy side of it.

A lot of people never get into meditation because they in the start experience negative emotions and get scared, due to not knowing how to handle what they feel. If this happens to you, a good approach could be to attend any normal kind of meditation course. (In any large or semi-large city there use to be some evening courses that teach meditation.)

Just do regular meditation in group, and there learn how to:
1) experience your emotions
2) hold and accept your emotions
3) manage your emotions (either by coping or by transformation)
For most people learning meditation is best learned in group, there you get support from the group and the teacher when hard emotions pop up.

Or, if you are a solitary creature like me, I can recommend following books:
Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Henepola Gunartana. (You can buy it here http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069 )
And this audio book The Beginner’s Guide to Meditation by Joan Borysenko. (See http://www.amazon.com/Beginners-Guide-Meditation-Borysenko-Ph-D/dp/1401906648 )

Another important thing to say here, is also that meditation actually is very much of a practical exercise to engage in. No matter what approach one has, the main thing is to reach an altered state of consciousness. That takes time and demands employment of focus techniques, which are needed to change the very pattern in which one normally thinks.

Like jogging, one has to do it for at least 20 minutes per occasion, preferably 40-60 minutes, before the body or mind really gets an effect from it. The first minutes are just to get the mind to get into a communicative state, also when you get the hang of it. Kind of like one needs warming up if one goes for jogging.
And before you can get the hang of it, you will have to work on just getting into a meditative state (like learning rhythm, breath and body balance for how to run, if you never have done running before). Doing it all as a kind of ritual, with the same procedure every time, also helps the mind to easier enter into a meditative state.

My actual “step by step” ritual for self-hypnosis

Step 1 is that I breathe deep and slow while silently counting 8-4-8-4. That is, I count to 8 on breathing in, to 4 while holding the breath, again to 8 while breathing out, and again to 4 before breathing in anew. I don’t say the numbers out loud, but count them silent and clear in my thoughts while I do this. And I guess that works a bit like using a silent mantra, seen to having a verbal focus that diminish other verbal thinking.

In the start there is usually a buzz of every-day thoughts rushing around in my head, also while I count and focus on my breath. But all those thoughts usually slow down after a few minutes.
To put the breathing into this kind of controlled rhythm brings on a focused relaxation to both body and mind, which happens more or less by itself, just by doing this very technique. Also if I would be very tired or stressed, I just need to do this practice for ca 5 minutes, and I can trust on that the technique in itself will bring on an effect.

Step 2 is to say “hello” to my own mind, by seeing if there is some thought or feeling that is predominant at that time. If there is, I acquaintance myself with this and what it associates to for a few breathing cycles. (I keep on silently counting while breathing all the time.)

If any difficult feelings pop up, I quickly do the process of 1) experience, 2) hold/accept, 3) cope or transform. If there is something bigger or more complex of thoughts/emotions, and I am short of time, I just briefly experience those thoughts/emotions, and promise my mind to later on get back to it and sort it out. (And I have learned that I better have to live up to that promise, or my mind might refuse to let go of similar content next time I need to do this specific method.)

Then I go to Step 3, where I let go of nearby thought associations and focus on working through my body, from feet to head. Meaning that I mentally focus on feeling various parts of my body, like feet, calves, knees, thighs, groin, buttocks, and so on, up to the top of my head. Usually I can feel that I get warmer in my body, and that bodily tensions relax, while I do this. To have this additional focus of feeling my body also works as yet another “somatic focus”, which helps to diminish the occurrence of normal thoughts, whereby I sink deeper into the meditative state.

Now I get to Step 4, where I briefly build a first theme of positive emotion, as a kind of ground base, spiritual protection, or just a way to connect with the universe outside of myself. This is also about preparing myself for how to relate lovingly and positive to my clients as persons. Because everything is not all about sex, I also need to really like my clients on the personal level.
Here I focus on the classical emotion of unconditional love, and I actually use my pet-rats as associative focus for that. (Or “anchor” as NLP theory would call it.) Christians would use Jesus and Buddhists would use Buddha, I guess. But for me, my rats work fine as emotional symbol for feelings of love.

(If you who read this don’t know much about rats, I can tell you that they like dogs are social animals. They are affectionate, and loving them is uncomplicated. If I would use some deity for focus, I would have a lot of contradicting emotions due to how a deity possibly could let the world have as much suffering as there is. And other humans are way too complicated and demanding to be easy to feel this fearless and unconditional kind love for.
But my rats, yes, for them I feel something like that. And seen to the bigger picture, I believe that all lifeforms are interconnected, so rats are not more nor less to love, than anything or anyone else, really.)

As Step 5 I then turn to the actual task I have ahead for the specific meditation. In this stage I use mostly visual imaginations linked to more emotional sexual feelings. (Next step is more about bodily sexual feelings.)
Here in Step 5 I visualize images of me as Annika, often pictures from my website, or other memories I have from particularly fun and pleasant moments in the past as Annika. My primary sexual turn-on is actually just to “be Annika”.
Being Annika brings on an energy release of power, that partly is sexual and partly aggressive in nature. It is also about feelings of freedom, rebellion and power. But I can direct most of it to be sexual, because that is most useful.

If I know the place I’m going to, like what the hotel room likely will look like, I visualize myself in that environment, and associate general positive feelings to it, plus link that to those sexual “Annika feelings” that I first tapped into. I generally don’t visualize anything about the clients though, because it is too confusing if my experience of them later on does not correspond to eventual visualizations I have made in advance.

This Step 5 is not always about designing feelings for my escort dating. I often use the same Step 1-4 for other purposes. And then I get to Step 5 I instead fill it with content to create motivation to do my homework, endure tedious group-work, improve my sports training performance, or just in order get inspiration and focus for some of my creative hobby projects. (Like to finally sit down and write all these blogs in this “how to” series.)

Thereafter I get to Step 6, where I start to mix up the visual imaginations with bodily sensory visualizations. Here I get more into bodily sexual feelings.
Here I focus on my lower abdominal and genital area, and I imagine warmth and physical sensations of sexual desire and arousal there. I also remind my body of what it feels like to masturbate, even if I’m not doing that when meditating. And I pull up memories of what it feels like to touch skin, the movements of intercourse, the warmth of another body, and similar.

Particularly in the end of the process I try to minimize the visualization into what best could be called “snap-shots” of bodily sensory memories. Those minimized “snap-shots” of sensory memories connected to the other sexual feelings is later on, when I’m out on the date, what works best to call up if I need to motivate or kick-start myself sexually.
Then it is still relatively easy to separately run those minimized snap-shots of sensory memories in the back of my head, while still managing normal social interaction, like talking with the client during the sex. And by these sensory memories I manage to call up the right sexual feelings in the situation with the client.

Then I get to Step 7, where I make sure to bind the “substance” of feelings that I have created into myself. I do that by focusing on the present bodily sensations and emotional feelings that I kind of “already feel” while breathing out. And then I focus on the imagined bodily sensations and emotional feelings I “want to feel” while breathing in. (All through the meditation I keep my controlled breathing cycle with silent counting.)
In this stage I also visualize that I physically pull together while breathing in, or like pull my own ideations into my body, as well as energy from all around me. And when I breathe out, I visualize that I expand my body and its feelings to flow out from me, but not further away than 20-30 cm outside of my body.

Step 7 usually ends with that body and mind feels like the same thing, and that there is no qualitative difference between breathing in and out, or between “what I already feel” and “what I want to feel”. And that is when I kind of know that the job is done!

Step 8 is then just about to save away the feelings that have been built up. Like one would have worked on computer files that one comprimes into a zip file, to later open and expand again when one needs them.
I do that by imagining that I pull all that I feel into a tight and warm little ball in my belly, by 3 distinct breaths that are twice as fast and intense as the breathing cycle that I this far have employed. These 3-5 breaths I count as 4-2-4-2 instead of 8-4-8-4. By each breath I focus on pulling the feelings I have created into my stomach, and I kind of swallow or tie them there in the breaks between the breaths.

The last step, Step 9, is to disentangle myself from the meditative state. I do that by allowing my breath to assume normal rhythm, by stopping counting while breathing. Then I turn my focus on the sounds in the surroundings, like notice the wall-clock ticking, water running in the pipes from the neighbors apartment, traffic from the street outside, and what other sounds and impressions there are around me.
There is often a certain peaceful emptiness of my mind here, but normal thoughts usually start entering my mind rather quickly.

I usually spend about 30 minutes, give or take 5 minutes, on this whole meditation, and the first 4 steps are usually what take most time. Due to that I now have been doing it for several years, I can also shorten the time if need would be. When I first started doing this ritual in full form, I think it took me about 60 minutes to go through all steps.
But the more I’ve done it, the faster it goes for my mind to “get there” in the various steps. If I really need to speed it up, I can nowadays to it rudimentary in 10-15 minutes, although that is not optimal if it really is to work well later on.

I have nowadays also developed a very good feeling for the time passing while meditating. This way of using controlled breathing and focus techniques can otherwise sometimes really mess up one’s sense of time.
When I was more inexperienced with meditation I often used a bunch of egg timers, with different sounds and various times set, to work as signals for me to know where I was in my meditation. They worked better than a regular alarm clock or sports timer, as the single signals of the egg timers didn’t require me to move to shut them off. (I do of course keep my body completely still while meditating.)
The multiple ticking from the egg timers also had a soothing effect, blocking out small irregular sounds in the environment, so they also helped me to focus well.

Anyway, in order to access the sexual feelings I have built up by this hypnotic preparation, I don’t really use a special technique. Since I usually focus a lot on my partner when out on a date, I kind of have to do it in the back of my head, and thus cannot focus on doing it in a too organized manner.
But part of the hypnotic preparation is also about connecting memories of sensory input, like touching skin and movements of intercourse, to sexual feelings. And since those sensory inputs actually pretty much are guaranteed to occur for real while having sex, it does work a lot by itself.

The usefulness of my method

It works fine to do this meditation several hours in advance, but it does not work that well if I would sleep in-between my meditation and the date, seen to be able to later call up the sexual feelings. It also doesn’t always work that well if I have an early orgasm during the sex. Somehow sleep or orgasms seem to empty that build-up of a “substance” of sexual feelings, like kind of resetting the mind.
Although if I get an orgasm more in the middle of the sex, when I have had time to get into the sex and get a good feeling going, I can often kind of reconnect to some of what I was feeling before the orgasm, because it is so close in time. And then I can at least keep up a residue of the sexual feelings I had going before the orgasm.

This meditative practice has also not increased my physical capacity for orgasms, I can seldom come more than twice during an evening, and preferably need half an hour to an hour in between my orgasms. And I still come too fast for it really being convenient for sexwork, seen to that most clients prefer to be able to work more to get a girl to come, so they can feel that they really have something to give her sexually.
But sexually experienced men do notice that I’m not faking my orgasms, and that is usually a big bonus in this business, where a lot of girls only fake. And I almost never need to use lubrication either, as I get naturally moist.

So for the kind of clients that are looking for a girlfriend experience, I’m usually a good match. For the guys that want more of a porn experience, I guess faking anyway does topple genuine responses, if they want a girl who is screaming of pleasure, talking dirty and pretending to get orgasm after orgasm. But such guys normally go for girls that more look that deal, with silicone, suntan and that kind of image, so that is just not my market niche anyway

I also cannot really keep on having a mindset with real sexual feelings for more time than about a 2 hour session, as a regular thing. Unless I have lots of rest between my dates, like when I occasionally date regulars during my official non-active periods of time, then I can sometimes enjoy a full evening with sex for longer time than 2 hours.
But when I date several times per week during my active periods, 2 hours is normally my limit for how long I can stay in a genuine sexual mood per date.

So what this self-hypnotic practice actually “does for me”, is mostly that I manage to get sexual feelings while having sex also:
1) If I have a bad day, with stress earlier in the day, having slept too little or similar things.
2) If I am together with an annoying or sexually unskilled partner.
3) If I date a client I know too well personally and feel very like the “everyday me” with.

This method saves me from risking to get bored, disgusted or feeling awkward in the situation. Instead, I can actually “ride along” and “think, feel and act” with genuine sexual feelings during the professional sex. Pretty much no matter who my client is. (As long as his attitude to me is kind and nice, of course.)

So it helps me to be a “happy hooker” and keep on going year after year, and still enjoy what I do. But some dates are actually really good as they are, so this is not always necessary, but it is simply a good precaution to do, as a “fail-safe” thing.
And that I actually am “thinking, feeling and acting” with real sexual feelings during the sex, also makes for a natural interaction that on an instinctive level makes my clients feel very comfortable with me. This makes them return to me, which also enables me to make good and safe money.


2014 March 8 - To Create Feelings 1

This blog and the next will be about the emotional training I myself practice to insure that I can manage to get into a sexual mood when I date.
In this first blog I will write about my theoretic influences and my own theories about the nature of cognition and emotion. In the next blog I will write about my actual method for creating sexual feelings.

Why it’s useful to be able to put onself “in the mood”

As I’ve hinted in my FAQ, I actually use a meditative practice to build up sexual feelings before I go out on most dates. It’s a kind of self-hypnosis I’ve found very convenient; both for me myself to be able to enjoy my escorting, and to be able to provide a good service to my clients.
It is not always necessary to do this, but it is a good “insurance” to make sure I can perform well. Because working with sexual services professionally adds on a factor of having to be able to sexually perform also during non-opportune circumstances. And this is common for all sexworkers I think, no matter if they generally find it easy or hard to sexually connect to the situation of having sex professionally.

Working with sex means that you plan in sessions in advance, and go out to have sex even if you might feel tired and not in a sexual mood then the actual date is due. You meet new clients that are not always that easy to sexually connect to, even if they are nice as persons. Or your old clients might start to get too personal and annoying. Or you just date clients that are really lousy in bed and simply just needs lot of hard labor from your side.

But all normal clients want a sexworker that is “horny for real” and “sexually into it”. Otherwise the clients feel ashamed about their own sexuality, or like exposed and uncomfortable in the situation. Of course one can fake, but that is tiresome for you as a sexworker, and in such an intimate undertaking as sex it is easy for most men to detect and see through faking.
So the best thing is if you can manage to condition, manipulate or simply hypnotize yourself to actually perform genuine sexual feelings by sheer will-power!

The trick of it is to be able to design a certain kind of emotional state, or rather a direct affective feeling that also is physically sexual in nature. Plus to be able to activate it instantly when you want to. Simply, to get horny by willpower!
For most people the idea of “creating certain feelings by willpower” seems like a rather impossible thing, since they see their feelings as passive reactions to outer stimuli.
But as we humans have a rich inner life, we are actually to great extent self-causing to various aspects of ourselves and our inner experiences.

My theoretical inspirations

I have among other things drawn some inspiration from neuro linguistic programming (called NLP), to create my method for how to “practically” design positive and sexual feelings before I go out to my dates.
NLP is pretty old material from the seventies, and some of it can be rather diffuse and very much like mumbo-jumbo. I would say that is also partly due to that some founders of NLP simply were not that good at writing their theories into abstract and easily overviewed models – most classics in the genre are very “narratively” written, so to speak.

But I found some useful key-concepts, like “anchoring”, “references”, “reframing” and “pattering”. For anyone interested in a “simple digestion” of NLP I can recommend following brief blogs and articles to understand these concepts:
- About “ancorhing”: http://www.trans4mind.com/personal_development/mindMastery/anchoring.htm (the interesting thing being about “designer anchors”).
- About “references” and “reframing”: http://nlp-mentor.com/frame-of-reference/ and http://microdot.net/nlp/reframing/reframing-3.shtml
– About “pattering”: http://www.personal-development-planet.com/swish-pattern.html and http://www.nlpu.com/Patterns/pattern6.htm (the interesting stuff in the latter article being about “deep structure and surface structure”).

I have chosen to not myself summarize and explain the actual content in NLP theory, since that would make this blog far too extensive and I fear that many reader might lose interest. But the readers that are interested can instead go and check-up short summaries of the key-concepts on the recommended links above.

If someone really wants to go further into what NLP is about, I could recommend The Structure of Magic 1 – A Book about Language and Therapy by Richard Bandler and John Grinder. (You can find it online as a free pdf here http://www.nlpinfocentre.com/nlpebooks/%28ebook%29%20NLP%20-%20The%20Structure%20Of%20Magic%20Vol%20I%20by%20Richard%20Bandler%20and%20John%20Grinder%20%28OCR%29%281%29.pdf ). But it is a tiresome read, with much of the theory stuffed into examples and spaced out with trivia. Yet, one gets a new way of thinking after having plowed through it a couple of times.

Another book, that I know has been going around among international escorts doing tantric sex, is Frogs into Princes: Neuro Linguistic Programming also by Richard Bandler and John Grinder. (You can find it online as a free pdf here http://hudsoncress.net/hudsoncress.org/html/library/nonfiction/NLP%20Richard%20Bandler%20-%20Frogs%20into%20Princes.pdf ). This book does not contain much of easily spotted theoretic models at all, but it gives a good insight into applicable NLP, and it is rather easy and entertaining to read.

But if you want to spare some time, and are used to reading academic texts, I could actually rather recommend the article Social Cognitive Theory of Self-Regulation by Alberto Bandura. (You can find it online as a free pdf here http://www.uky.edu/~eushe2/BanduraPubs/Bandura1991OBHDP.pdf ).
It is a well-written article of merely 40 pages, and I would say that Bandura with his concepts of “human agency”, “self-reactivity” and “self-regulation” reaches a lot of similar conclusions as the NLP guys do, although Bandura uses different concepts. Bandura just writes his theories all so much intellectually sharper, well-structured, and easy to like make a “mind map” of.

But then, I read Bandura later in life, several years after having read the old “mumbo-jumbo” NLP. And it could be, that I would not have interpreted Bandura’s theories as applicable in this way for sexwork, unless I earlier on had digested that old NLP in the back of my head.
I also think a lot of people intellectually mature from preferring a “narrative” understanding towards preferring a more “abstract” understanding of things. So if you are all new to this, maybe Frogs into Princes would be best as a first approach to these ideas.

My own understanding of cognition and emotion

Instead of writing lengthy text masses to explain my theoretical inspirations, I think “my own model” shows a good “bridge” between the theoretic influences above, and how I from them (plus other things I have read) can get to the actual method I will describe in the next blog.

I work out from the idea that feelings aren’t merely passive responses to outer stimuli, but that feelings are active responses to interpretations of outer stimuli, as well as that feelings are caused by ongoing internal processes within us.
Like the philosopher Kant said about reality, we can only experience the reality we perceive, never the reality in itself. But it is not that our perception of reality (as it appears to us) happens automatically either.
We are usually not conscious about it, but it takes actions of selective perception plus actions of subjective interpretation of outer stimuli, to get any kind of experience or make any kind of internal conception.

I think of the mind as analogous to long hallways of mirrors and diamond prisms (an updated version of Plato’s cave). Light enters in various openings, and bounce between these mirrors and prisms in that long hallway.

The light is a metaphor for stimuli or information, the mirrors are a metaphor for our immediate affective responses, and the diamond prisms for our interpretative ability that creates new inner responses and perceptions.
The hallway itself is the mind that never actually can see outside of itself, merely take in information (light) from outside, and first experience it as perceptions once they have made a reflection in a mirror on the inside.

Depending on what mirrors and prisms the light hits, the wavelengths of the light and the pictures they make will change inside this hallway of mirrors and prisms.
The mirrors are our immediate responses, but they are not blank sheets, as they are already colored and buckled from our pre-existing moods and expectations. Think of the mirrors as buckled and colored mood-mirrors.

Some reflect the world in happy pink (people with basic optimistic attitude kind of have pink mirrors closest to where they take in light) and some in sad blue (people with basic pessimistic attitude have those to first meet new information).
The mirrors with convex buckles makes these first impressions to look enlarged (some persons take things very serious), and the mirrors with concave buckles make the first impressions to look small (some people don’t care much about things). That is why our perceptions are so individual.

And other mirrors are in all other possible nuances, with scratches, cracks and ripples, and they move around from moment to moment, depending on existing internal modes and expectations. The same light, or information, creates very a different picture depending on what mirror it hits a certain moment in a certain part of the hallway.

Then there are the diamond prisms, which are our interpretative ability, which breaks up the mood-colored reflections/perceptions from the mirrors into yet new wavelengths, and create new reflections/perceptions.
We figure that something “was better than I thought” or that something “was worse than I thought”, or do a myriad of other faceted reflections of the perceptions from the light/information. That is when we correct our bias and prejudice, as well as examine and re-evaluate our experiences and preferences.

And if we are smart, we figure that some mirrors of immediate reflections/perceptions are better to meet certain lights/informations with (it is never good to be unduly optimistic nor pessimistic).
Even more important, we also figure out that some of our prisms for interpretation lead to better long-term end-results than others do.

Namely, that we can affect the world around us and get different results later on in the future, depending on our own emotional attitudes regarding how we interpret things for ourselves.
Depending on what emotional attitude we 1) meet and 2) handle something with, our interaction with the world outside of us will also cause different results for us to experience later on in the future.

Humans have a tendency to be habitual, so in many aspects our inner hallways of mirrors and prisms tend to get rigid.  These rigid minds means that people over time experience things as predictable, and in the same way every time. Which mainly is good, as that is how people create a common concept of social reality, get a sense of a stable identity, and can function socially in the everyday life.
But as the huge market for shrinks, stress management and personal development is proof of: People don’t always spontaneously find the most optimal ways of experiencing and interpreting reality! Improvements can be done!

As a sexworker, I simply try to find an optimal way to arrange what I experience when I date as an escort, to correspond with my internal experience of sexual feelings. Based on what I choose to 1) perceive during the date, and how I choose to 2) associatively interpret what I perceive, I can thus create my own experience of what I feel!

If I apply the metaphor above I can describe it like this:
1) I make certain to in advance put up my mood-mirrors for sexual feelings and general positivity next to my openings for light/information, so I perceive what is positive and attractive with my client.
2a) I also certain that the interpretative prisms in my mind are ready to give my client a “benign interpretation”, and to focus on and reinforce the perceptions that are nice, and ignore the ones that are not.
2b) And I prepare my interpretative prisms to be able to call forth some own fantasy imaginations if needed, to remake my own experience in case I don’t get enough useful perceptions from the actual situation with the client. (And how I actually do this, is what the next blog will be about.)

Of course I never choose to ignore if a client behaves bad or cruel towards me. If the client is not “kind” and “benevolent” towards me, I choose to interrupt the date.

So this is more for situations like if I for example meet a client who is depressed and neurotic or one who has motor problems with eye-contact and body language. Or if I’m together with a client who has very bad technique for kissing, touch, fore-play and similar things.
Then I choose to ignore this as something irrelevant and let it slide by my attention. To instead focus on what is nice with the person and the situation, like that he has brains and heart and that we communicate well. Or at least, I imagine that there are attractive traits with the person and make sure to get a sexual turn-on from my own inner imaginations.

To now prohibit that people might interpret what I have written above as that sexworkers live in “false consciousness” and “suppress their emotions”, I want to add that this thing about ignoring perceptions that are not so nice, and putting on some fantasy imaginations into other perceptions, is what completely normal people all the time in their everyday lives.

The most extreme examples being when people fall in love, or when they pick out a victim to bully. Apart from that they then idealize everything their beloved do and say, respectively demonize everything their bully victim do and say – they also choose to ignore plenty of impressions. Namely to ignore bad sides with their beloved, and to ignore the good sides with their bully victim.
This does not mean that people go around and actively suppress these impressions (with risk to later on suffer post-traumatic stress), but they simply let these impressions slip past the mind as something irrelevant with no interest.

- So there is nothing unusual or pathological about these psychological mechanisms. Most people are just not conscious about them.

Anyway, the benefits about me being able to do this consciously are:
- I have a pretty good time out on my date, and experience good sex and positive social interaction.
- My client notice that I seem to like him, and find me generally nice and positive, so he gets happy and responds with a lot of positive feelings towards me.
- And as a result, together we spin this positive interaction further on, reinforce it for both of us, and we both have a good time together.
- Plus, as another result, I get nice money to bring home with me! To use for the end-result about being able to live a creative life with a lot of time for various studies, hobbies and self-development, instead of having to socially conform and submit to a normal grown-up life.

This cannot merely be achieved by intellectual insight though. Because in order to really get a “substance” of feelings to work with, I do need to prepare and work my own mind in a very practical and methodical way, in order to build up a disposition of positive and sexual feelings to call forth. How I practically do this, I will write about in the next blog.